by Milly Pinkos
To my Heart,
Why are you so difficult? So unsure, so diffident, so voracious and compulsive? You are so many things, but I’m just one gal. Sometimes I feel like I cannot possibly encompass all the things you press me to feel. We have lessons to learn, you and I. They seem so impossible, I know. It seems like there’s something new every day. It seems like we’re trying to climb Everest or singlehandedly save the Titanic. But we both need to relax sometimes. We get pretty frantic and crazed. Let’s take some time to unclench our buttholes, shall we?
There are many days out of the week when you’re being clingy and desperate. I imagine if you had hands, you would grip the one standing before us and refuse to let go. Sometimes it’s like I can feel your refusal to let the boy we love take even one step away. We need to work on that. It’s okay to put distance there, and it’s okay to let go. In fact, the Head and I encourage it. Sometimes, you just have to do it. You cannot hold onto things forever, no matter how much you want to. There will be other things that come along which we can keep in our life until the sun explodes. Things like flowers and animals and comfy-cozy sweaters. These things will always exist and will always be within reach.
But then there are people. People are not things, and we can’t keep them close forever. It will hurt to let them step away, but the Head and I promise: we are all strong enough to make it through the process of letting go. It feels like you and I will never be strong enough to walk away, but we will. We can feel our legs shake and weaken, our eyes sting. It seems like the rest of us is screaming not to let it happen, even our teeth and toes. But we can do it together. You’ve survived so much, this will just be something else to add to the list. After all the shit we’ve been through, you think something like this is going to destroy us? You’ve suffered physical and emotional pain. You’ve suffered fear and hurt and confusion and injustice, all at a young age. When someone takes a few steps away from us, we can handle it.
You’re a muscle. Muscles are strong. Transitive property.
Please stop doing that thing where you register something the Head is thinking and you get all panicky and start pounding. When you race at that tempo, like someone is pointing a gun at us and we know we’re about to die, the rest of us doesn’t like it. We don’t see what you see, and we get confused and scared. Not everything needs to be a huge reaction. Some things can just pass us by. Please let us chill from time to time.
I want to remind you that you don’t need other people to validate your sadness. If you’re having a bad day, you don’t need for us to tell someone that the day is shitty and for them to take care of you. We as one being can acknowledge that and move on. We do not exist for other people to validate. We exist only for ourself. Don’t forget that. I will be here to remind you.
You are soft, Heart. I know it seems like a bad thing sometimes. When we were little and other kids would yell at us because we were too “sensitive”, it seemed like a dirty word. But sensitivity is beautiful, and I am so grateful that you never hardened in response. We wouldn’t be the person we are now if we had let those taunts darken us. At times you are so gentle that I wonder how you manage the job of keeping me alive. You are romantic. You expect dreams to come true and you believe in true love. Please don’t lose that. Don’t let whatever heartbreak or loss that comes our way suck that out of you. I know we get our hopes up and our expectations are too high a lot of the time (like, a lot), but there is something so pure about that. It’s okay to want the most out of life. Isn’t that the point of it?
Deep down, in your chambers and secret rooms, you know what you deserve. And you deserve the most. It’s healthy to know that, and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. If we want people to love us, we need to love ourselves. And I think we do a pretty good job of that. Even though we freaked out one time when we found stretch marks near our right boob, we are generally big fans of ourselves.
So in summation: calm down just a little, you crazy chick!!! Things are going to work out one way or another. Either someone loves you or they don’t. The world doesn’t start and end with one person or thing. You’ll experience so many different kinds of love for so many different people, places, and things that you, Heart, will always be full. You are soft and strong and beautiful, but relaxing juuuuuuust a little wouldn’t hurt.
The rest of you